My mom wont stop! Help!!!?

We all found out that my father has a mistress and my parents divorced. I chose to stay with my mom and now I'm regreting it.





She says she's not depressed but her depression is driving me nuts!





All she does these days is complaing about her life, complaining about her marriage, complaining about dad, complaining about how her mother (my grandmother) ruin her life by aranging a marriage for her and my father, she complains that her sisters are not helping her out, she complains about the way I've been acting lately, she complains about every freakin thing!





Anyways, lately i've been rude to her because I want her to stop. When I ask her nicely and if I'm lucky she would sometimes stop talking for 5 minutes and there she goes again! Most of the time she startes yelling at me. So i've tried to talk to her in an adult manner but she just says that a little girl shouldn't be talking to her like that (i'm 14). Now I lost my respect for her!

My mom wont stop! Help!!!?
Wow, that's too bad. It's pretty typical for a parent in a divorce case to use one child (usually the oldest girl) as their confidant--to pour into them all of their feelings. But a 14 year old is NOT prepared to deal with the feelings of an adult!! It is entirely inappropriate for her to be using you in that way, even if it's common. You need to spend your time focused on growing up and finding out who YOU are--not focusing on who your mother is and how she's supposed to deal with HER feelings. All of you people who say that she needs to be supporting and understanding of her mom need learn to draw appropriate boundaries! Yeah, it's traumatic for her mom, but it's much worse for a child ,who is dependent ,to have to go through a parents' divorce, the betrayal by one's father (because having an affair is a terrible thing to do to one's child, as well as one's spouse--it's ignoring one's responsibility towards his family!), the depression and inappropriate manipulations of one's mother... all of these things are just wrong, and they should NOT be resting on a 14 year old's shoulders! You think it's bad to have your spouse cheat on you? Then try being a 14 year old whose father has left her life, and whose mother has in effect left her life, because in place of the supporting and loving mother that teens need, she has instead a depressed emotional cripple who is too out of it to notice her daughter is taking pills, or to realize the impropriety of her own behavior.





So what to do about it? Well, first of all, you need to stop taking sleeping pills immediately! Using pills as an emotional crutch can potentially lead you down a really dark path! You have enough problems, don't add to them. Then: you can't make your mom stop. That's just not within your power. Only your mom can make herself stop. But I suggest that you figure out some kind of line to say to your mother every time she starts one of her harangues. For example: "I see that you have experienced a lot of misfortunes, and I'm sorry about them. You can't do anything about them. But what are you going to do about the things you CAN control?" Or "Mom, I don't feel comfortable talking about this with you. This is grownup stuff, and I'm just 14. Every time you start talking in this inappropriate way, I'm going to go to my room until you stop." Or "Mom, all of this is really hurting me. It's hard enough for me to deal with losing dad. I don't want to have to be the one to have to cope with your anger." If she says she can't talk about it with someone outside the family, tell her "well, it's inappropriate that you talk about it with ME! I'm 14. You need to talk to an adult about it. Call your doctor--they're sworn to secrecy, and they can give you useful advice." Just say one of these things calmly and coolly, then walk away. the first time won't be good, but after perhaps 5 or 10 times, your mother might get the message. If she tries to argue with you, just repeat your chosen line again, and walk away. Be calm, don't scream, but be firm. You need to show your mother where your boundaries lie.
Reply:your mom is being a Lil melo dramatic but i think she has every right to be, going through a divorce is like going through a death, a death of a marriage.and she needs you to vent on because it sounds like she has no one else to talk to.moving away from her is probably the worst thing you could do it would devistate her.you need to tell her how you feel and dont hold back.somthing alot like this happened to me and my dad and i havent seen him for 8 years and it sucks!!!!
Reply:You are too young to have to deal with adult issues whether or not your mother has someone to talk to! It is not your responsibility to be her counselor or therapist or even worse... her venting post. This situation is not healthy for you at all and will only worsen should you continue to stay. You must confront your mother and let her know that what she is doing to you is unacceptable and should she continue that you will have no choice but to leave. You are very young and you have your own teenager things to deal with. That alone is hard enough.





Seek out a counselor or teacher at school that you trust and explain your situation. They may be able to direct you to organizations that will be able to help your mother cope with the tragedy that she is dealing with. She needs alternative resources and she may just be to ashamed to seek them out.





The fact that you are playing with sleeping pills to avoid the confrontation is an indicator that your situation is already out of hand. Do not make this your responsibility.... give it to someone who knows what to do with it... a qualified adult.. and get back to the business of being a happy and HEALTHY teenager!





Good Luck :-)
Reply:Geez. That's tough. But you've got to look at it from your mum's perspective. She is just trying to cope. Imagine how much your mum must be hurting. And when we hurt, those aren't always the times when we are our most dignified. Chances are your mum's not even hearing what you're saying because she is so convinced that no one can sympathise or solver her situation. Feeling sorry for herself probably makes her feel better. Try and have a little sympathy for her too. But at the same time, I think she needs help. She obviously can't keep going the way she is. I think perhaps you should talk to a trusted adult (that knows your mum and her situation) and try and see if they can talk to her or try and help her. Maybe if your mum could see hope in the future and stop dwelling on the past, then she might come out of her depressive state. Not much help, but good luck.
Reply:You said that you regret choosing to live with your mom, have you talked to your dad about this? It does not sound very healthy for you?
Reply:you should see about movin in with your dad or another family member...this doesnt sound healthy for you
Reply:Make her go out and do fun things. Even if you're 14, you can still plan events that can taker her mind off of depression. The worst thing for a person to do when depressed is DWELL on the depression... it's a snowball effect





Go do some crafts... play mini-golf.. watch a movie.. make her redecorate... go clothes shopping or whatever women like to do
Reply:Tell mom that you love her but you do not want to talk about her problems with her. Tell her that it is causing you to feel depressed and that you do not want to be in the middle of all the drama, because you love everyone and that it is not fair for you to be put in the position to choose or to be coerced in to feeling ill towards your family members. Parents need to share their problems with other adults because children are not emotionally equipped to deal with such problems. If she will not stop you should move out with another family member.
Reply:Your mom is depressed and is probably working it out by talking about it. You both should go get some therapy and talk all the stuff out. Going to get help does not make a person crazy, it just shows that you need a way to deal with all the stress.
Reply:your mother is going through a very hard time, going through a divorce isnt a piece of cake, you should cut her some slack.. and be a little more understanding.. she loves you she just needs time to get over this..
Reply:Well, I would like to see you go through a divorce. My dad gets depressed too. He lost my mother when my sister and I was babies. And he had to raise us. Try having a parent die. Your life is not so hard. Your mom doesn't need you taking sleeping pills because you don't want to listen to her. She needs to talk to someone. Preferably a counseler. Because you're obviously not wanting to listen to her. You lost your respect for her. That's pitiful.





She's not harming you in any way. She's just going through a tough time and she needs help. Not someone to not respect her because they're a whiny little brat who's ignorant enough to take sleeping pills when they aren't even prescribed. I'm sorry if I come off rude, but you think your life is so hard. You don't have a clue. People have it a lot worse than you do.
Reply:lose your mine one good time and tell her that it' not just all about her it's and tell her how you really and truly feel and if she doesn't change call your dad and try to go with him
Reply:OMG I'm 14 too! But anyway if she is really making your life as difficult as you make it sound seriously when you get really pissed just scream at her. The sudden shock of what your capable of would probably wake her up. Most people like your Mom (or my Dad) complain all the time and don't realize the damage occurring to the people around them. Tell her that it is so selfish to belittle you like that and that she needs to grow up and move on with her life because she's dragging you down. It's dangerous to your health and if she doesn't want to talk like an adult then don't talk to her like an adult. Make sure to do it at the right time too. You'll know when because she'll be off on one of her many complaints and you'll just lose it and that's when you have to say how your feeling because when you tried to sit down and talk the energy you gave off was weak and she could just swat it away but if your angry and strong she won't be able too. Trust me my parents can be like this too and they just need to be woken up about what they're doing. :)
Reply:pls. don't lose your respect on her. she needs you more now and you should support her. you don't know how hard life it is for her right now and you should help her overcome her depression. eventually she will get tired of complaining.
Reply:Maybe you could talk to another family member and get them to get her to seek some counselling. If she does have depression it's important that she gets treatment.


In the mean time you could just ask her not to speak to you like that when she yells.
Reply:It is an unhealthy situation for you. Popping sleeping pills and getting addicted is NOT something you need to be doing. Talk to a counselor at school. Talk to your dad, your grandmother, your aunts. It sounds like you have a large extended family. You're only 14, you don't need to handle this all on your own.





Talk to your mother about how the divorce is effecting you. Maybe if you share your upset with her, it will ease her complaints. But don't be so harsh with her. I know she's driving you up the wall, but try to put yourself in her position. How would you cope if you were in the same situation? Your understanding may be just what she needs.





And don't call her ignorant. Your father cheated on her and humiliated her. She's very embarrassed.





Good luck.