New rules for 2007: I know they a bit long but worth the read. ***if you like them***?

*New Rule*: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for *classmates.com*! There's a


reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't


particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the


football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.





*New Rule*: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless


you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was


found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What


did you expect it to contain?? Trout?





*New Rule*: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,


blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for


these kids: lucky bastards.





*New Rule*: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,


you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If


you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.





*New Rule*: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care


about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.





*New Rule*: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle


of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.


Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?


Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.





*New Rule*: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a


redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is


now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ***


will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social


Security crisis.





*New Rule*: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the


asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,


half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,


light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge


asshole.





*New Rule*: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my


card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,


deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who


is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.





*New Rule*: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't


make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it


translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything


spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not


spiritual. You're just high.





*New Rule*: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly


sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because


watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.


What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that.


It's called "The Howard Stern Show."





*New Rule*: I don't need a bigger mega M%26amp;Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M%26amp;Ms,


I'll go nuts and eat two.





*New Rule*: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old


television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so


we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason


something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't


good enough to be a movie.





*New Rule*: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for


weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.


Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't


gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.





*New Rule*: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.


After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had


sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or


just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I


just want to wash my hands.





*New Rule*: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in


months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.


And I didn't really care in the first place.





*New Rule*: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays


better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every


available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do


you want fries with that?"

New rules for 2007: I know they a bit long but worth the read. ***if you like them***?
Oh sh** this was hilarious...it was DEFINITELY worth the read.
Reply:loved them, especially the one about white people version of looting.
Reply:It sounds profoundly inspirational!
Reply:OMG soooooooooo funny. im keeping it to read later to my hubby, star 4 u!!
Reply:I like the cashier one!
Reply:Somebody watches too much Comedy Central!!!
Reply:*New Rule*: If you want to write something funny, make it your own material. There's enough plagiarism on Comedy Central already.
Reply:I love these. a star for you!
Reply:Love new rules like these.........................
Reply:Your rules were not only great but they were hilarious. I will be passing them on.
Reply:Very good! Have a star.





Here's one...





*New Rule*:Less than 1% of the population needs to be on the cell phone at any time. You act like you are having an important conversation when everyone knows you are wrapped up in a fantasy where you matter. Think I'm wrong? What were your last 3 calls about?
Reply:Wow.........................
Reply:A few new ones. Thanks!

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