Corny Bar Jokes Why you ask because I ♥ You?

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."











A dyslexic man walks into a bra.











A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."











A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.











Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted...peanut.











A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "OK, you can stay, but don't try and start nothin'."











Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"











This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and his vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, even his boots are made of paper, even his spurs are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrested him for rustling.











A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.











A grasshopper walks into a bar. And the bartender said, "Can it really be true? We've got a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper said,” Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"











A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."











Rene Descartes was in a bar. At last call, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not." And he disappears.











A man walks into a bar and there's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, and they sit and have a drink together, and she leans over and says, "I want you to make me feel like a real woman." So he takes off his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."











This duck walks into a bar, and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down around your ankles."











A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?” The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”











A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "Hey," the bartender says, "what's his name?" "Tiny," the man replies. "Why call him that?" the bartender says. "Because he's my newt."











A string walks into a pub and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the barman. "What? That’s discrimination," says the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar and again attempts to order a drink. "Aren't you that string I just refused to serve?" asks the barman. "No. I'm afraid not."











A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?"











This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."











This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club











A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at these prices."











A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"











Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."











Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'











A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street. A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"











A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."











A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" The bartender says, "Once upon a time...."











Guys walking down the street %26amp; sees 'Word Bar' sign. He walks in %26amp; sees a woman behind the counter. "What's all this Word Bar stuff"? he asks. She says "Exactly what it says - we've got Verbs, Prepositions, Hyperbole, Punctuation - whatever you want". "Ok" says the guy - "gimme an entendre" "Single or double?" she asks, "Make it a double!" She raises one eyebrow %26amp; looks him up %26amp; down with a sly grin %26amp; says: "Don't you mean a LARGE one?"











A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,” I’ll tell it very slowly."











A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daiquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end. Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daiquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daiquiri, Doc."











After a rather wet night the bartender asks Bruce, who's lying on the floor "Would you like a chair there?" "No, I'm okay standing, thanks."











A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?". The barman asks, "What does he look like?".











A goldfish walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool and looks at the bartender really hard. The bartender asks the goldfish "What can I get you?" Goldfish keeps looking at the guy really deep and hard in a gasp "Water."











Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"











A chicken walks into a bar, looks around and says to the barman "Sorry, wrong joke"











Two drunks are in a bar. First one: "My wife is an angel" Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."











A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked around and saw a guy down at the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to himself "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody ought to do something." He walked over and said "Hey, buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down! When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again! Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car. He dragged him up the stoop, and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down! Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you." She says "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his wheelchair?"











A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"











An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"

Corny Bar Jokes Why you ask because I ♥ You?
you weren't kidding when you corny......lol thanks for the giggles
Reply:a lot were really good..thanks for the laugh..iill make sure to get the wheelchair next time
Reply:How about my personal favourite:





Two baby seals walk into a club.'
Reply:LMAO!!! those are good...here's another...





A piece of string walks into a bar and says


"Pint of lager barman"


To which the barman replies


"I'm sorry son, I've never seen a piece of string drinking before, I can't serve you"


The piece of string is determined to get a pint and so goes outside rolls around a bit and ruffles himself up.


He walks back into the pub and up to the bar again and says


"Pint of lager please"


The barman scratches his head and asks


"Aren't you that piece of string I've just refused to serve?"


"No I'm a frayed knot" Comes the reply.
Reply:Funny stuff, one and all. I'll be using some of them, O.K.?





An ugly woman walks in a bar with a duck on her shoulder.


The bartender takes one look at her and says " where did you get that pig?" The woman says "Pig? That's not a pig, that's a duck!" The bartender says " I was talking to the duck lady."





A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The monkey jumps on the bar and runs down to the condiments and eats all the cherry's. The bartender says " Hey, hey, hey! Get that monkey out of my bar!" The guy says " It's O.K. I'll take care of it." and puts a hundred dollar bill on the bar. Meanwhile, the monkey runs down to the end of the bar and jumps off onto the pool table and swallows a pool ball. The bartender says "Hey, hey, hey, get that monkey out of here!" The guy says "It's O.K. I'll take care of it." and puts another hundred on the bar and leaves with the monkey. About a week later the guy comes back in with the monkey on his shoulder. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, onto the bar and runs down to the condiments and takes a cherry out and sticks it up his butt. The bartender says " Awww, man, that's sick! What the hell is wrong with that monkey?" The guy says " I don't know for sure, but ever since he swallowed that pool ball, he's been measuring everything he eats."
Reply:Hey symbol lady!





I ♥ you too!





Thanks for the morning laughs!


(morning in California)
Reply:Really funny, THANKS!