My 11 year old dd is nasty mean verbaly. She demands things..growls at me if I try to make her do her chores. She's failing her classes..last year she was in GT classes, gifted she's being removed for lack of motivation. ?? She was an A student now she's lucky to get a C in class. She expects things with nothing in return. When I yell at her she either says shut up (and much nastier things then I shall mention) she puts her hands up as if I am going to hit her and says if you hit me Im going to call social services on you? She's been hit like 2 times in her life, Im simply at a loss Ive called her school spoke with the guidence team, then her doctor. Any one been through this? Offer me some advice? Please! Im loosing my marbles here! She has simply an attitude of I dont care about everything. We have no relationship..we dont talk..I try and she says leave me alone. HELP!
11 year old daughter is driveing me nuts! Is she depressed or normal?
Oh my gosh, this sounds so much like my 16 yr old! Except his words aren't THAT bad, although bad enough... and let's hope they don't get any worse either. All of my children (3) have ALWAYS been wonderful kids, the very loving and hugging type, always reminding me of how much they love me, etc... everyone always told me very surprsed that how well behaved my kids are... even strangers, but...my husband is in the military, and ever since our last move, my son, who was also an A student and like your daugher, is lucky to get a C now, has taken a turn dowhill and his attitude started getting bad... gradually... but suddently it just got pretty bad... pretty much like your situation. He has said from the begining he hates it here but I think there is more to his behaviour turning that badly. He also demands things, and acts like the world should revolve around him and he started disobeying the rules and stays out longer than he's supposed to, even on school nights and when I call him to come home, he deliberately takes an extra hour, if not more, to come home. He gets upset very often, very easily, and starts strong arguments with his brothers out of the blue. It's as if he just absolutely hates life and always looks so miserable. When I try reasoning with him, he starts getting upset and if he gets very upset, he uses cuss words that he knows better not to use and even when I remind him to not use those words, he starts using them more often. I tried helping him feel better about life, and even asked him what could I do to make him happy again, to make him feel like he's still a part of the family, as he seems to have isolated himself from the rest... he feels like an outsider and even though I try to make him feel like he still belongs, it's as if he pushes himself further. Things started getting so scarily out of control that my husband and I were feeling helpless, that there was nothing we could do to make things better. I suggested we should seek counseling, at least to help us understand him and to give us an idea on how to handle things without making it worse. I have been having a strong feeling that he's depressed, and although we've only attended one day of counseling so far... on our first day the counselor mentioned that she detects depression with him. We're still in the begining stages here, and still having to put up with his attitude, but I hope counseling helps us. Perhaps your daughter may also be going through depression, but it's hard for me to tell from my end. Have you considered counseling yet? It may turn out to be helpful for you, as I'm hoping it helps us too. Good luck, I feel your pain.... and I really mean truly DO feel your pain.
I just have to add this... I see many ppl here are saying to lock them in their room without anything of interest for them... if it is depression they have, it will get worse. Imagine being depressed and then nothing else to do other than sleep or sit in there doing nothing (you know they won't read a book)... how can they be expected to snap out of depression like that if they'll only get more depressed?
I just read your additional details... I think you got a bad counselor. Perhaps you can try to find another one? Surely there must be someone that can understand where you're coming from as a parent. Also, I would encourge your husband to lay off on the physical punishments, including holding her down by force, as he can get in a lot of trouble doing that. Your daughter may be the first to point fingers at him for physical abuse, even if just twisting things around and making it sound like a physical hold down was bruising or what else, seeing how angry she's with you both, and if he lays off the physical force, he can always say he's back down from that realizing it wouldn't do any good anyways and therefore avoiding possible charges against him.
BTW, it does not sound like ADD to me.
Reply:When I read this, I honestly thought you were my mother talking about how I was when I was a teenager. I want to say that it's normal and that she'll grow out of it but from personal experience I found out when I was about 21 that I was depressed and it probably started in my mid teens. Hopefully she is not depressed but because her problems are spilling into her school performance, you may want to get her evaluated and get her back on the right track. Looking back now, I wish my parents didn't pass off my issues as just a phase and got me the help I needed. It would have saved me from a lot of heartache. It's worth it to get her checked out by a mental health professional even if it's just for your peace of mind.
Reply:wow, this sounds like a really rough time w/ your daughter. I am sure it is very stressful for you. You didn't mention whether you are married to her father -- can he help at all? If not, perhaps you would want to consider seeing a counselor with your daughter to sort out what is going on with both of you. In the meantime, try your best not to yell (easier said than done, I know). But usually it only escalates the situation to yell.
Tell her, though, that she may not speak to you rudely or with disrespect, and if she does, take away whatever privilege she is most fond of: TV, computer time, talking on phone, seeing friends, whatever. Do it and remain absolutely firm.
Try to get some professional help. You mentioned that you've spoken to her doc and to the guidance team at school, but you didn't say what they advised. Were they any help at all?
Good luck and God bless!
Reply:Has something changed drastically in her life? Or maybe she is one of those smart kids that somehow got the feeling she is just too smart to do the work and she is above all that trivial stuff and no one is going to fail her. Time to give her some tuff love (put bed on floor and give her minimum of clothing no tv,mobile etc. As she starts acting nice again she gets things back but she has to earn them (Social Services can not do anything as long as her basic needs are being met) I would also check her for drugs, just to be on the safe side.
Reply:Sounds like a normal 11yr old spoiled Brat to me!!!
Reply:welcome to the world of a teenage girl. I hve 2 daughters one is now 25 and the other is 14. My 14 yr old use to watch her older sis fight and argue with me and said she'd never be like that and one day she woke up and she was a different child. There are days that I miss my little girls but it's perfectly normal. It's their way of pulling away. Have heart you're doing a good job. Deep down she knows you love her and she loves you. Trust me it does get better. My 14 yr old is a brat at times but now my 25 yr old has turned into a beautiful woman that calls me every day and tells me that she loves me. It does get better. Hugs and kisses and I love yous go a long way. Keep your chin up and don't take it personally. Be there for her always no matter what.
Reply:remember how u felt at 11 ur body is changing and ur to young to do this but to old for that and the at the same time she still needs disipline guidenss doesnt come until they are older. me personally if she told me to shut up i would rip her lips off her face u do not talk to ur mother like that i wouldnt care how old u get. put ur foot down but also be simpithetic to changing body and emotions hard to do all three at once but moms are incredible we can do it. good luck i will pray for you.
Reply:Get her in some counseling ASAP.
If my child talked to me like that they wouldn't leave their room for month (other than to go to school) and they'd be sitting in there with no computer, no video games, no telephone, no ipod, etc.
EDITED TO ADD THIS AFTER YOU ADDED ADDITIONAL DETAILS:
Personally, I think you’re grasping at straws with the ‘does she have ADD’. Frankly, all it sounds like to me is a bratty child who is being manipulative in order to control the situation, and you are ALLOWING her to do it. But, I would definitely recommend taking her to the doctor to rule out any medical conditions. What did the doctor say when you called him/her?
Here’s the thing, she’s not going to wake up one morning and suddenly be the sweet little girl that you remember. It’s not going to happen. So as long as you refuse to seek help such as counseling (which is what I personally believe she desperately needs--and she probably needs LOTS of it, not merely a visit or two), it will continue, and probably get worse.
I do feel for you. It’s a bad situation. Good luck.
Reply:It's bordering between normal and Maury. When I was 13 I went though something similar with my mom. I just wanted her to leave me alone and I was rude to her and such things. It got like that for over a year and then things went to some normalness. But more than likely she's not happy in school, or there's an issue with other students. Kids these days are maturing and going through this teenage stage more quickly. Trying to talk to her yourself or say you understand only makes it worse. Just keep your ground with the rules, but try to give her her space. If it gets worse you might just end up on maury with out of control teens. You do have the right to discipline your child. It's just something that will have to pass on it's own.
Reply:Beat the sh*t out of her. Plain and simple. My mom would have.
Reply:Find out what is bugging her if you don't you may loose her. Something has happened to her. You might find out what she likes to do and do it with her. What did she like to do when you got along. Have you spoke to a MD maybe it is hormones. My daughter has bad problems with hers and when she was 11 and 12 years of age she had depression. Make sure she knows you love her one thing that will not help is yelling. that hurts more than helps. If you can't stop yelling go to a professional councilor
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