What is going on with my non sexual marriage...?

Okay heres the deal....I have married a girl i have known since i was about 13.....(she is 21 and i am 24)...we have been married for a year and a half....we had a good sex life.......she got pregnant....well we went from having sex every other day ...to twice a week then once a week and then threw the later pregnancy about three times a month..after we had our son we have had sex maybe twice a month...and now that my son is almost a year old....recently im lucky to get it once a month......its driving me nuts....i do everything i can to take stress off of her and do extra sweet things....but it doesnt work....some of her girl friends have talked to her about it and told her that im gonna get it some where else...( I want to but i couldnt do that) but she makes me feel like im not attractive to her...this is making me un-happy in our relationship and im thinking of a divorce...not sure? help me out please

What is going on with my non sexual marriage...?
its hard work raising young children so maybe she is just tired and when she hits the pillow she just wants to sleep..


ok its hard on you too but just give it time and do things around the house to help her...


im not a women but i would presume child birth would take a lot out of a womens body. i have heard plenty of times this happens so dont think its you she may just need time to rest.


if it continues then maybe seek some counseling.
Reply:She's a new mom . Allot of women do this after having kids and there could be a million reasons like : she don't feel sexy anymore , stress , no help , tired ext. . Try helping your wife with the baby . Maybe one night draw her a bath and light candles in the bathroom and play soft music . tell her you will put the baby to bed and clean up while she relaxes . Try cooking dinner one night . Try leaving her romantic little notes telling her how much you love and appreciate everything she does .
Reply:You either love her and support her or you don't. Yes it is a challenge for a man ride the up and down rollercoaster of a womans sex drive just like it is a challenge for a woman to ride the up and down moods for a man. Give and take, I am on this ride also and do not plan on getting off.
Reply:If you really love your wife you wouldn't leave her because the sex isn't the same. Sex is good but it is not the number one key in a relationship. Communication is. So talk to her and see what's wrong with her yourself. Asking us isn't going to solve your problem, you need to talk to your wife.(But not with an attitude, don't ever fight fire with fire... it wont work!)
Reply:Speaking as a couples therapist, relationships change enormously after children. The question is, can you two communicate your concerns and negotiate the divide in order to reach a compromise?





Free Relationship Advice from a Couples Therapist:


http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com
Reply:We only have sex about once a month. There are a lot of factors contributing to it that I don't feel like getting into.





People who come on here and complain about only having sex 3 times a week drive me nuts.
Reply:I have heard that happens when women have babies (one of the many reasons i don't want a baby) lol....so it must be normal...I am sure her sex drive will eventually return, just give it time and be supportive.
Reply:Something else seems to be going on. try getting some counseling help ASAP. I waited to long and ended up with a divorce. I waited a year to seek counseling.
Reply:welcome to the odd world of hormones...I've been here for a long time!
Reply:I know that kids can put a damper on your sex life %26amp; so can many other things but that is no excuse for no sex. Yall have to have some sort of sexual connection or like you said you will end up getting it some where else (but please don't do that get a divorce first) or some one ends up feeling not attractive %26amp; lonely. I would say go talk to her but you already did so the next thing I would say is find a sitter for your son or put him to bed early %26amp; just do it! Go over to her %26amp; start kissing on her %26amp; then get after it. Some times you just have to take advantage of her or do what my husband calls "stealing" it...If you go down on her she can't say no right? Ask her what she wants or likes %26amp; then maybe doing those things will get her in the mood! If none of that works then I suggest maybe going to either a marriage or sex counseler %26amp; they can sometimes help. I hope this helps. Good Luck :)
Reply:I am 31 and we are in the same situation as you guys are...but worse really. My poor husband hasn't gotten any in almost a year. He is so frustrated and hurt.





I don't have any sex drive what so ever, it is completely gone gone gone. I don't look at or think about other men, I don't even get off when I have tried to masturbate.





I am making an appt. with my OB in the next couple of weeks to my annual exam and am going to bite the bullet and tell her what is going on, see if she has any suggestions other than the normal things people tell me to do...because the toys, him making dinner or other romantic guestures don't work.





I really don't think it has anything to do with lack of attraction. I have been reading up on this subject and people are talking about it more and more..come to find out there was a recent study done that said over 50% of people in their 20's do not have any sex drive. Its a normal thing, just hasn't been really discussed until recently because it is such a taboo subject.





Good luck to you and her.
Reply:Unless she decides she's unhappy with her drive (as one of the posters above did), nothing you do is likely to help.





She gives you garbage answers because she doesn't know why. She just does NOT want sex.





Its possible that therapy would uncover why she doesn't want sex, but it won't make her horny, and it won't suddenly create the attitude within her that this is something she needs to make an effort to do to please the man she loves.





Talking to her about it is going to come off whiny, and likely make her less in the mood. The best you can do with her is to stop trying to please her to get sex, it won't work. Be a strong man and father. When you want sex, go for it, and don't let her see how much it hurts when she turns you down. Seeing that might make her guilty, but it will also make you less attractive.





Honestly, my advice would be to consider divorcing or getting sex elsewhere. Its not necessarily what I would be able to do, but its what you _should_ do. As someone else said, its likely that once a month is going to continue dwindling down ... and down ... and down.
Reply:This happens a lot after a baby is born. It does something to a woman that a man just will never fully understand. I went through this too. I think I was just scared to death to get pregnant again and I was tired all of the time. I would think about it and then when it came to doing it I just wanted to go to sleep. It will get better. It just takes time. I know a year seems like a long time but it really isn't. Your wife probably feels unattractive, over touched and just plain gross. I know I did. I mean your body is stretched and it sags now. I couldn't understand how my husband could possibly want to see me naked now that I had this flap of skin hanging in the front. She could also be suffering from post-pardem depression. That can last for up to two years after the baby is born. I had it badly. I felt like I was going crazy for a little while. Just be patient and take it when you can get. Enjoy your child and help your wife. It takes time to feel normal again. You are going to have periods in your marriage that you aren't going to get sex everyday. That is normal. Some months my hubby and I are at each other everyday and others it may be once a week or once every month or so. It goes in cycles. It will get better. Remember sex isn't the only part to you marriage and if your wife feels that you are pressuring her she will pull away. That is just how us girls are.
Reply:I'm sorry about all the responses you got about hormones and such. I had a whole bunch of kids, they're all teens now, and if you don't think that's horrid, you haven't experienced it yet. Your wife is very, very young to already be starting with the no-sex, not in the mood crap. I think a lot of women use that as an excuse. Someone censured you for saying you could possibly divorce and reminded you of your vows; I will counter that by saying it is part of the marriage deal, as well, that a husband will be able to have sex with his own wife. A husband expects to be monogamous and faithful, not celibate. That is very unreasonable to expect a man to be like that, and it puts him in a very, very difficult position.





I don't know what to say that will change your situation, other than the fact that your wife should be giving you sex waaaay more than once a month, and it really is okay for her to do it even if SHE is not in the mood. It's not against the law to have sex anyway and she might even, gasp! find herself enjoying it.





And btw, if she's not willing to please you now, it will only get worse as the years go on. You will end up quite angry....reiterate to her how important this is to you. I'm sure you already do all that romantic stuff people talk about, but as you can see, it doesn't work with this.
Reply:It takes a while to get back in the swing of things. Just give her some time. Having a baby COMPLETELY changes a woman's body including her sex drive. Your son is a top priority now and one year olds take a hell of a lot of energy to take care of. She's worn out by the end of the day and is probably lacking sleep. Sex is the last thing on her mind.





I read an article on this once. It said to have sex in the morning or different times throughout the day since both partners tend to be completely exhausted and ready to sleep at night. Don't plan it. Just let it happen. But don't just jump into it... make her feel good first so she gets in the mood and wants to do the same for you.





Just like you don't feel like she's attracted to you, she's probably feeling the same way. Let her know that's not the truth every day by telling her how you feel about her looks. And more importantly that you love her more than anything (which I'm not so sure is the case if you're willing to divorce her over sex).





And don't you dare even think about getting it somewhere else or divorcing her just because of sex. That just makes me sick. You made vows and chose to have a family with this woman for the rest of your life! You would throw away those promises and tear apart your family just for sex? That makes me shudder.





You will get through this. It just takes time.
Reply:find a babysitter, make her dinner, tell her to put her feet up. talk to her. she most likely is feeling not sexy. having kids can do that to us. we feel fat. and u men don't understand it. make her feel sexy, that u want only her. buy her flowers. make her see that u love her, for her. tell how u feel. she should tell you how she feels. she might cry and so should you. see what she has to say. and DON'T GET MAD, if you do that will blow everything up. She is your wife, you can rekindle her. Most women after having kids have a low sex drive. She is tired. It's not about you. it's about her. talk and listen, hug and kiss her cheek. hold her close and listen. don't forget the candles. we love that stuff. put her in a bubble bath and wash her while you talk. be gentle. luck is on your side. back rubs are nice.
Reply:I can understand why you are going crazy with this, I really doubt that it has anything to do with her not being attracted to you. It doesn't sound like you are having other problems in your marriage so I wouldn't give up just yet, and don't cheat on her you'll just feel worse about yourself. I'm curious if she is giving any excuses? You sound like you are making an effort by helping out with the baby and household tasks and being sweet..that means alot. I'm guessing here but maybe she culd have postpartum depression (very common with new mothers) or maybe she is just ashamed of how her body looks right now. Pregnancy does take it's toll on one's body in all kinds of forms whether it is weight gain, stretch marks, saggy boobs, whatever and women are under soooo much pressure to constantly look good. It is thrown at us everywhere, every day, every hour. I'm betting she is the one who feels unattractive. Good luck, I hope I have helped. I think you are a good person..at least you care enough for your family to ask, and try to get help to get through this. You gotta be mature and work through this though if you love your wife and child. Going without can be very flusterating though, so I realize it is tough.
Reply:It's obvious that looking for it somewhere else is a no-no... talk to her about it... and if she still doesnt want to.. keep being the nice and sweet gentleman.. she'll come around.. think about it.. if you keep asking for it too much she might think it's the only thing you are after... and also.. the gifts and the efforts dont have to be big... she might think you are trying to buy her... a simple letter in the morning.. or flowers when you or she gets home is enough.. and also a cardinal rule.. ALWAYS ask her how her day is and make sure you give input as well... even if you're married.. courtship never sleeps
Reply:OK....you have plenty of good advice here....My x used to complain about not having sex twice week......and we usually did....but i did it for him.....not for me.....needless to say he is my X now.......My big complaint and i hear this from alot of women it.......*he only touches me when he wants to have sex* Your wife is very run down....babies will do that to you. Treat her to a trip to the spa.....give and give and give to her....when she hits about 35 she will want to have so much sex that you will be the one who is to tried. Women hit their sexual peak around 30. And tell her so called Gf to STFU..... telling her that you will get it somewhere else is not going to help, in fact it will make her feel worse. You can bet she feels a little differently about her body and feels less attractive. Try not to take it personally she is the one who feels less sexy. Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is and how you love your family.....that's the important thing after all....isn't it? One last thing. Talk to her about your feelings. Hold her hand and be gentle.....tell her what your needs are. See if she could atlest be intamate with you once a week. This is something that has happend to lots of couples.
Reply:So you'd really be willing to divorce your wife because she isn't having sex with you nearly as much as you guys did before? I have to say, that's simply pathethic. Did the 'For better or worse' just go in one ear and out the other? She had a baby, that alone is like a roller coaster effect on her emotions and hormones, and those emotions don't just end when she's had the baby. Sometimes they last months or a year after the pregnancy. It takes some time to get the hormones back intact. Also maybe she is feeling tired -seeing as she is caring for a baby. Or maybe she feels unattractive or insecure since having the baby, maybe because of any weight she gained being pregnant. That's not her fault, she had your child. Be patient, DO NOT CHEAT or do anything else STUPID. She is your wife, so respect her and be there for her. If your orgasm is more important that your wife and baby, tell her now so she can be free of you.





YES sex is important in a marriage, its a necessary component...However i'd never encourage someone to cheat on their spouse just because 'they aren't getting any' ...Really if a marriage is worth throwing away over a slight lack of sex, doesn't that speak volumes over the type of society we are living in or of the mentality of people? The critisism doesn't bother me, thats the least of my worries. The worry is when a marriage can be thrown in the trash over something so pidly. She had a baby, thats all! The spark will return, I am sure of it. YOU have to be patient and understanding, thats all. No one said cut off your penis and just deal with it.
Reply:My husband and I had our baby in feb and we to were a everyday couple up until I had her, then we of course waited our 6 weeks, which turned into 8, and I am lucky if he wants me twice a month, he acts like he loves me, but he never acts like her wants me, so I feel your pain. Dont divorce her just start coming on to her, do more sexual stuff to her with out pushing her, she will come around and if not tell her how you feel and that you can not live that way. Maybe she is tired and over whelmed by the new baby, I know it has been a year, but babies are alot of work. Good luck to us both right.

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